1. During the home team television broadcast yesterday, Josh Lewin dubbed the Rangers’ high strikeout rate “connectile dysfunction”.
2. Josh Beckett has a 7.22 ERA. That doesn’t have any particular relevance to the A’s, other than the fact that I always say “we” when referring to the A’s, and “I” dislike Josh Beckett intensely.
3. Now we know who to blame: f***ing Mark McGwire.
4. Work to-do items, 5/1/09:
- Revise End Options document / resend to [redacted], [redacted]
- Re-formulate encryption project plan, follow up with [redacted] and [redacted] (see 4/29 email from [redacted]: “FW: Project sheets.xls”)
- Modify existing revenue share report to include monthly payment from merchant
Synopsis:
Alter Word doc and/or PowerPoint slides and/or spreadsheet such that the comically pointless bullshit contained therein looks glossier and is more dense with jargon. Strenuously avoid useful analysis of any kind. Employ charts and strategically situated column highlighting to wow project manager types, whose reactions will be akin to how a puppy behaves when he sees himself in the mirror for the first time.
In conclusion, I spent my early morning browsing baseball-reference.com. Later, I will stick it to The Man even further by taking a 70 minute lunch. Maybe I’ll go really crazy and untuck my shirt or something.
And if my boss strides over to my desk angrily waving a printout of my recent internet activity, I will tell her “Please calm down. Not only is clown pornography gaining wider acceptance as a mainstream fetish, my b-ref surfing is anything but aimless. I have pertinant data to impart, the sort of thing that will simultaneously blow your mind and reignite your passion for ballpark nachos, foam fingers, and life generally. Namely, the A’s have the lowest GIDP% in the majors.”
You may be as puzzled as my boss at this point. Well, puzzle no more:
Lowest GIDP% in AL, last four seasons:
2008: TBR (went to WS)
2007: CLE (won division)
2006: NYY (won division) / DET (went to WS)
2005: NYY (won division)
If you don’t think this means the A’s are a team of destiny, I don’t know what to tell you. This is rock solid analysis. Airtight. You cannot refute this! You can’t! Don’t even try! Don’t roll your eyes. Stop it. STOP IT. F*** you.
xbx edit:
andeux
Apricot
batgirl
Danny
oblique
devo
mk
dmoas
FreeSeatUpgrade
monkeyball
grover
Sharon
iglew
ptbnl
JediLeroy
Jennifer
Leopold Bloom
mikeA
MikeTheV
mjdittmer
nevermoor
ninathorsenkqed
Poppy
salb918
doctorK
sslinger
5aces
the dogfather
veganryan
whiteshoes40
xbhaskarx
FREE KRAUT! 
So we’ll either win our division or go to the WS? Both sound heartbreaking, though:
“Not only is clown pornography gaining wider acceptance as a mainstream fetish, my b-ref surfing is anything but aimless.”
you obviously got mad skillz, son.
It’s actually interesting to see that since (you’d assume) good teams would have a lot of base-runners which, as night follows day, would lead to GIDP.
Of course, those teams might have real-live hitters who can get the ball out of the infield, thus breaking the relationship.
I heard this fellow Bitch Tits from the Dominican can hit a bit. He’s kinda wobbly though, ain’t he?
Those teams had lots of high K / high BB / high FB hitters, whereas the 2009 A’s have lots of high K / high pop up / high too-weak-for-DP GB hitters.
Thank goodness we’re not **, what with its no-polyptychs rule.
Does the Isenheim Altar count as polyptych?
What are you, some kinda wIsenheimer?
Classic moment in Free Kraut history:
monkeyball bitterly complains that he can only say “TWSS” once per thread.
I’m not going to lie. I squealed like a little girl when I read that. A normal person would have burst out laughing or chuckled, maybe spilled a little coffee, but not me. I’m pretty sure my co-workers think a kindergartner just got a pony for her birthday in my cubicle.
Hey, I’m not supposed to like you!
Stop it!
But I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Holy shit! A movie reference I recognize!
I am beaming with pride.
Unless you (and your cohorts) are mocking me via patronizing reference opacity reduction.
Now I’m confused and suspicious, convinced that I am missing the joke inside the joke (inside the joke, inside the plot). That flash of pride is gone, replaced by a wounded, paranoid scowl. All of a sudden I am Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, except this is a blog not a newsletter, you’re not Julia Roberts (or Captain Picard), and this comment exchange will probably not have a cathartic denouement.
Conspiracy theory… engage!
Since it’s dropped way down in the queue after all of yesterday’s excitement (and because I’m a vain simian), here’s a link to promulgate my first F(il)K.
This is why FK 2.0 needs a sidebar or some other way of keeping day-old posts more visible. The Recent Posts box is insufficient.
Also needed: a clearer indication in the post-writing dialog box of whether one is actually replying to the post they’re trying to reply to.
Also: an “up” button to be able to track back to the post to which someone responded when there’s a big subthread intervening
Pre-2.0 workaround:
If particularly well-wrought posts (FilK’s, etc.) are buried prematurely, change their “posted on” date to move them to the top of the page during dead spots (like right now).
Re #4, Work to-do list:
Mine, just updated as I do every morning, is 34 items long. I have a hard job. And yet, I’ve spent the entire morning alternately reading freekraut and researching the Derby field.
I’m hoping to post a Derby Day open thread tomorrow morning in which I’ll offer a Pick Your Pony contest, and in which I will periodically post stream of consciousness babblings about whatever crosses my mind–horses, hats, and Kim Kardashian’s ass–as I grow progressively drunker on many mint juleps. And if you missed it the other day, this is a day best appreciated if you’ve recently re-read The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved.
Christ, what a Kardashian-hole.
Huh:
There’s a lot of uncertainty about how horses who’ve run on the Polytrack surfaces translate when moved to classic dirt surfaces like Churchill Downs. Two horses I’m liking right now, Pioneerof the Nile and Papa Clem, are both Polytrack run exclusively.
Thank goodness we’re not **, what with its no-polytracks rule.
Curt Schilling debates Rob Neyer
That professor has amazing self restraint not to punch Curt Schilling in the face.
Monkeyball isn’t organizing the softball game!
FSU, don’t read this.
LOST: Tim Goodman recap of The Variable.
That a was great ending, [censored] realizing not only is he about to [censored], but that his own [censored] is responsible, that she always knew it would happen yet did nothing about it, AND that all of it means his theories are probably incorrect.
Best TV [censored] since… Tortuga on Breaking Bad last week.
[censored]
I can’t believe we’ve only got three more hours
We should start calling Nomar “Twitchy”.
But I thought the most interesting part is how [censored] seemed so upset when she spoke to [censored] about having to send [censored] back to [censored]. And then how, for the first time in probably decades she [censored]. It made me think that the theories could either be dead on, or completely wrong at the same time.
I also wonder if those who heard the final idea would consider going with it.
I think his theory is completely wrong, and she was [censored] in that scene because she knew [censored] had to [cencored] for the greater good/bad (not sure which).
“So you’ve seen ‘Howard the Duck’ nine times… but you’ve never seen ‘Rules [of the Game]’ even once?”
[Gawd do I adore JJL.]
Posting this because it’s Friday. I’ve also waded thru the comments, so you don’t have to.
“Tally-hoe!”
“Now if they’d only outlaw sex IN Windsor Castle.”
“At least they got to perform before the Queen!”
“We are not amused…”
and my favorite:
“I don’t care what heterosexuals do in the privacy of their own bedrooms, but do they have to rub their lifestyle in my face?”
Unintentionally funny/scary wax figure auction
So, there are bids on Marilyn Monroe and Anne Margret — but none on Irene Ryan?
In these tough economic times, why not just get Fred the Wonder Chicken?
I never realized he had a name. It alllll makes sense now …
What is it — The Bart?
No, it’s a different name. A name that somehow seems … familiar …
It’s like I told you the other day, you’re not getting in because you’re a bastard.
You’re one of the funniest bastards I know, but…no lake of whiskey or stew for you.
mikeA’s got nothing on this guy
OK, honestly, can anyone make head or tail of Byg Twyt?
And combine that with this:
… and I’m starting to get a suspicious vibe off of it all …
He knew what Chavvy meant to say. Yet he chalks up the conflicting answers to “confusion” (voiced passively…whose confusion is it?). Sounds like the Byg Twyt needs to be less certain about what he “knows.”
Here’s my interpretation: the FO tells Chavvy when he’s going to play, and Chavvy usually rolls over and does as he’s told. Other players aren’t so pliable and stand up for themselves, and Chavvy resents that they do so while he doesn’t.
Wow, that is a bizarre mishmash.
I don’t understand how Chavez was healthy enough to be in the original lineup (at 3B!) yesterday, then all of a sudden he’s (probably) going on the DL.
Either there is a serious communication problem between he and Geren, or everyone involved is an idiot. There is no way the seriousness of his injuries graduated from “in the lineup” to “DL” in the course of an hour or two. Did everyone have a simultaneous epiphany before the game? Hey, it turns out “day to day theater” is f***ing stupid! We’ve been kidding ourselves all along! Get Pennington on the horn!
see above
Maybe, though veiled-frustration-hinting-at-intrigue usually boils down to the same old banalities: incompetence and miscommunication. And since the A’s can’t even decide if it’s his forearm or his elbow that’s the problem, I’m going to assume for the time being that they just have their heads up their asses.
Wow, I’m bitter about this.
As to Urban, it seems clear he was trying to be Chavez’s read-between-the-lines mouthpiece, but botched it because he is a) too intent on showcasing his relationship with Chavez, b) a terrible writer, and c) a nitwit.
Did I mention that I’m bitter about this?
1. nytwyt (though maybe that’s only after he gets a job writing about the mets or yankees)
2. bytter
Perhaps the first 7 times Chavez called people a “tyred act” and he just dydnt want to repeat hystory.
Or he just is sensitive about throwing around the “tyred act” zinger for some completely unfathomable reason.
zynger!
I only liked the Chocolate ones-I never understood who would buy Raspberry Zyngers…
It wasn’t just the raspberry. It was the fact they mixed it with coconut too, right?
Exactly-who the hell came up with that combination? What’s next-Apple and Mustard flavored…
I re-read it a couple of times, and I came up with:
“Can the guys we call up do any WORSE than we have been doing? Honestly it looks like we are too old and just mailing it in, so why not let the kids have the keys while we get healthy.”
I’m pretty certain that’s not right — it certainly makes sense from what BT actually wrote, but I don’t think it’s what he (or Chavvy) intended to convey. I think the intended-or-not TUTB was over willingness/ability to play at <100%.
Do you think I feel good? Nobody feels good. After childhood, it’s a fact of life. I feel rotten. So what? I don’t let it bother me. I don’t let it interfere with my job.
That does make sense (with the exception of the missing “Y” in “BT”-the name must always have a y somewhere. For instance “BYG MYKES BYG TWYTTER FEED”.
(it’s not there yet…)
Of course, it’s all speculation and Myster Byg’s writing is so murky that who knows what the truth is.
The other thing I’m really curious about: who, exactly, was Chavez talking about? Byg uses the plural … I’d be really surprised if Chavez was talking about any pitchers; and the post was the 29th, before Ellis got hurt (and Ellis has come back from his offseason injuries faster than projected), so I think that rules out Ellis.
That means it’s got to be Nomar and Giambi, right?
That would also make sense in a salaryman-expressing-disdain-for-FAs-who-come-in-and-don’t-have-to-follow-the-rules-to-which-salaryman-willingly-subjugates-himself way.
I was sure Nomar was one. Giambi would surprise really surprise me, but you’re right-unless Y is totally off base (and we all know that’s possible) it would have to be him.
I guess I could almost see it this way-Chavez comes up and plays 2-3 years with Giambi before he leaves. Chavvy always thinks of it as his salad days, and remembers what a “get out there every day and get the job done” guy Jason was. Now he’s back with the club, but getting the band back together doesn’t always work out. Now Jason has to take time off and is always talking about being hurt. This leads to your idea that this simply does not fit into the brain of our modern day equvilent of the Black Knight. And the fact that it’s his old friend upsets him that much more-to the point that he gyves 7 bad answers to BYT.
If he wants to protect him, why even write the second and third paragraph?
Exactly.
i have nothing to add to this conversation other than rogering that statement.
You and Boy George.
Here’s one reason I can’t take the Brits seriously:
“”When twinkboy bends over to pick up the soap, I’ll jolly well give him one good rogering.”
Now, they’re contemplating anal rape, but it sounds like they’re discussing what kinds of scones to have with afternoon tea.
I’ve always been highly amused by the epithet “shirtlifter.”
Heteros leave their shirts on, I suppose.
We’re just so flabby and pale…
Hats?
You can leave your hat on.
I.guess.you.didn’t.see.The.Full.Monty?
Dude, I had the exact same reaction yesterday. I have no fucking idea what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s either just a horrible, horrible writer, or he writes drunk. One of the two.
He also has Rev-esque instincts for “innocent” provocation in the service of self-promotion. I think, to xbx’s point, that that’s a large part of what’s going on with the going-on there.
What, that it’s all self-aggrandizing bullshit?
There’s a shock.
“kiss-ass” + “self-promotion” = whatever the hell that is
It’s said that his aura smiles and never frowns. One wonders if that’s still true after thieves stole two tires off of Jerry Brown’s car while it was parked in front of his Oakland hills home.
I cannot help but laugh at the picture of the State Attorney General having suffered this ignominy. Funny, but this never happened when he lived in his Jack London warehouse.
Stealing only the passenger-side wheels was clearly a message from the “scofflaws” that Jerry is perpetually turning in a circle to his right.
Work-to-do items–let me play
1) Do five lesson plans which together will make up a “unit plan”; include introduction about how the lesson plans are linked to grade level standards and will capture the attentions of English-language learners; also include a commentary/reflection on the texts used in the unit; supplementary texts, and explain how key learning tasks in my unit build on blaarrrghhhlsdfkj;
2) Reflect upon first-ever substitute stint that happened on Wednesday, where kids ran wild, making it clear just how quickly they recognize the kind of b.s. I’m preparing above.
3) Reflect upon how much future imaginary kids who are the object of this lesson plan will disrespect their teacher. Begin to question this whole career path.
4) With the aid of lots of deep breathing and kleenex, recover from 2 and 3. Write a paragraph of 1.
5) Repeat steps 2, 3, and 4 till deadline; turn collection of resultant paragraphs for partial credit.
4. deep breathing and kleenex? Hawt.
How to capture the attention of English-language learners:
Be completely devoid of any redeeming quality.
I see shame, dishonor, ignominy and disgrace.
suresure.
No wonder Canada produces so many comedians.
One man gathers what another man spills.”
That list is woefully incomplete. It has not my first nor my second.
Ditto. Althea, FTW! “There are things you can replace, and others you cannot. The time has come to weigh those things…this space is getting hot!” I thought about that as ** was imploding.
Also, I was at the “Great Cosmic Charlie Fake-Out” show in ’94.
“Krazy Kat Peekin” – spent a really crazy night in Mexico sitting out on a patio of our room at a small in on Lake Chapala, drinking tequila, playing cards, and listening to what sounded like a faraway high school band tuning up. The sounds drifted across the water for several hours, punctuated periodically by the sound of blasting for a new road being built up in the hills. When I read in my Anthology that Hunter came up with China Cat Sunflower while sitting at Lake Chapala it all seemed to make sense.
Mine either (“Weather Report Suite” and “Eyes of the World”)
Or, as this guy says:
“Waste is food.”
He says he first learned it growing up in Japan as an ex-pat — food wagons rolled into the market in the morning; waste wagons rolled out to the country-side at night (presumably, different wagons).
Chavez (or, perhaps, Nomar and Giambi) could learn a few things from this guy.
Ironically, my porn name is Monsieur Mangetout.
Mine is Singeponge.
And mine is shadowhare.
Tri-pod.
Chavez DL’ed, Petit up
OK, this is funny:
I hope he doesn’t play…
It seems a bit puzzling. Far and away the best options for 2B and 3B are Not-Corey (presuming his aaa stats are for real and translatable) and the H2N3 Virus. Petit + Crosby seems redundant.
(Speaking of aaa stats … yikes.)
Yeah, I would have preferred either Denorfia or whoever they deem to be the best hitter to cover 1B. Petit was already on the roster though, so that was probably a factor.
On the one hand, I like their willingness to play, nay start! the C2 at other positions; on the other hand, this probably means we’ll see a lot more of Crosby at 1B.
I really really wish Barton was doing anything at all to suggest he should be promoted.
Dale is clearly at a low point.
And Hill is clearly at a high point.
Cardenas—–>AAA. He is on fire.
http://web.minorleaguebaseball.com/milb/stats/stats.jsp?t=t_ros&cid=105
That’s a sexy sexy AA line:
http://web.minorleaguebaseball.com/milb/stats/stats.jsp?n=Adrian%20Cardenas&pos=SS&sid=milb&t=p_pbp&pid=502133
I like this texas league leaderboard with ages (and he’s actually 21 this year until October, not 22)
It certainly makes up for the inaptly named “outman” part of the deal.
Outman will be a fine relief pitcher, but in any case, Cardenas was always the key player coming over.
I think that Outman has the potential to be a good starter think Dana Eveland in 2007. His ratios suggest he can do it. I was very happy with the Blanton trade. The Harden one is one that I thought sucked. I remember it going down and telling the campaign manager who is a Cubs fan “Congradulations, we gave you the most talented pitcher in baseball for a pile of horse shit. How are you going to screw up this time?”
He’s also listed as a SS, which I find interesting because Moneypenny is listed at 3b. Are they really going to keep it that way?
okay, so clearly I don’t know how to use a mac.
It’s not my fault the computer lab I usually use is being used for sexual harassment training right now.
Did you tell them they could just easily learn how to sexually harass anyone with a Mac?
eh, I’m sure they could. Maybe they’re just not cool enough to sexually harass someone with a mac.
This borders on sexual harassment, but really isn’t.
FK: the Redding of A’s blogs
I’d rather be the Ft. Bragg or Arcata. Redding’s too far from the ocean.
…then again, so’s Sarasota.
San Jose — the Tri-pod of the Bay area.
Isn’t that your porn name?
Yes.
Hunh.
Interesting … although this is shoddy reporting/editing (emphasis added):
They’re both close to the bottom of the carcass pile when it comes to pit bull advocacy. Ingrid Newmark once called for a Final Solution for that breed. Pitties aren’t my favorites, by a long shot, but a whole lot of good dogs would go out with that bathwater.
Nothing good will come of this …
As I’m sure you know, the problem isn’t the dogs, but the scumbags that train them to fight.
You can make any dog vicious, some are just better at it than others.
And I think I would be sick to see Vick doing ads pretending he is sorry for doing it. the only thing I can imagine him being sorry for is getting caught, and not having Johnny Cochran alive to defend him.